Figuring out Adulting

      I am not an avid YouTube user but I do use it for noise. When I was younger I would watch YouTube everyday, I would wait for certain influencers to post each week and watch the videos right away. I would look up different hair braids to do and makeup tutorials I could recreate. Now I don't do that, I will start a YouTube video and put my phone under my pillow to just use it as noise for me to fall asleep. I am someone who needs noise to fall asleep but any noise from noise machines such as rain storms, waterfalls or jungle noises all just annoy me. I need a boring video playing so I don't get hooked on the video but I hear the voices. I also can't sleep with the tv on, I struggle with a flashing light happening in my room while I am trying to sleep.      Sometimes when I get bored I will get back into watching videos again. I still enjoy seeing videos from my favorite influencers they still make me laugh and question a lot of things. I really enjoy conspiracy theories

 Last night was like a movie... and not the good kind. We lost in the first game of the Ohio Athletic Conference tournament.  This means the end of my volleyball career. I have defined myself by volleyball for 16 years of my life and with it all coming to a abrupt stop I am left feeling empty. The last point is engrained in my memory, the ball hit the floor and it did not feel real. I broke down while walking to the locker room and we just sat there in silence until coach came in and talked about having a great season. I sat still not a feeling happening until she sat there staring at me with tears in her eyes. This was going to be a room full of emotion any minute. Then it all hit, people starting coming up and hugging me crying hysterically. Today the feeling is no different, I never realized how much volleyball meant to me until it was gone. All the parents of players came over while I walked out to hug me and congratulate me on a great career, and other sport athletes were coming o